You're a womanizer and a bitch.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
