Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
