we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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