The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
