Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
