I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
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