I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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