four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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