well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
