hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
