Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
