There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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