i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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