The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
