No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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