She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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