i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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