Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
