just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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