I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
