also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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