Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
vagina is talking i cant
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
