I should be sponsored by Trojan
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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