I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
