Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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