If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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