At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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