so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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