I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
