I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I party with great urgency now.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
