He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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