i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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