I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
