Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
