Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
