I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
