She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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