How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
