she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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