Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
