Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
