its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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