He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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