I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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