oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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