I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
