I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
