Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
