i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
