no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
